| Food |
[Apr. 21st, 2007|05:05 pm] |
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| | work | ] |
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| |  drained | ] |
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My enemy. I'm trying to not restrict so much as to allow myself healthy alternatives. I was so good last night when I got high and wanted to eat, I just ate one piece of whole wheat toast with a little butter and jam on it. Normally I'd eat like a whole bag of chips or something ridiculous. That was one good thing. Earlier yesterday though, I got paid after being broke for so long and went moderate grocery shopping, but decided to buy myself one treat. I got chocolate covered pretzels. They are so good and cheap but too addicting to not finish in one sitting. That was bad. Next time I wont get as many. I bought grapes which is good because I tend to pig out on those and not feel hungry for junk. I really want to learn how to prepare tofu well so I can premake dinners for myself. It never turns out well for me though. I also haven't gone to the gym because of this whole Matt breakup thing these last few days and I've been pretty busy with school. This week I want to try for at least 4 times working out. |
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| breakup status |
[Apr. 21st, 2007|04:58 pm] |
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My boyfriend Matt is moving back home to California after he graduates in June. We've been dating a year, but we're gonna break up. He's slowly convincing me that this is the best thing for us. At first I was crushed and couldn't believe he wanted to end such a good thing, but then I realized that its only a good thing for now. We're so different which is very intriguing, but not good enough for something like a marriage and having children together. I come from a family that is close-knit and very open and friendly. His family doesn't even want to meet me. I'm also christian and he went to catholic school and just doesn't really like religion in general. p.s. I'm not sending my kids to catholic school. He's a few years older than me which is ideal for me, but hard to deal when I'm still going to school and they are going off to get jobs. I need to train myself to just believe that I will find someone later on that is better for me than Matt. Last night I went out and kind of pretended like I was single (not pursuing anyone though) and felt so awkward and out of place. I just wanted Matt and no one else. Its gonna be so hard to let go. |
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[Nov. 22nd, 2006|09:16 pm] |
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Hey everyone I just thought I'd update on my fast till thanksgiving (I know many of you are fasting for way longer, I wish I had the strength). It started this morning and I'm doing great about being busy and not eating. I just don't know what's going to happen when I go home to my parents tonight. I hope my grandma (who's visiting) doesn't take us to dinner or something. I'll actually probably have to eat tonight realistically, but I'll still restrict at all times other than family meals. I'm gonna get really good at this I hope. To everyone, good luck on this horrid food weekend! Just remember what thanksgiving is about, the family, not the food! Indulge, but only a little! Good luck! |
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[Nov. 19th, 2006|11:33 am] |
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I hate myself right now. I don't know why I can't do what I know is right. I think I'm in love with Matt, but I don't show it. Now its 315am at work and all I want to do is see him, but I think he's ignoring me because he's sleeping. I hate not being able to drive my car (its broken down), so its stressing me out. I'm really scared that I just fucked up my relationship with Matt because I when on a rant that I hated treating him badly and that we should just take a break because I want to stop treating him badly and maybe that would help. All I want to do is see him right now, but now I have to sleep in the computer lab tonight because I have no ride home. I hate this. It makes me cry. There are other things better to cry about like how my grades are shit and I'm never going to become a doctor like I want to, and there are people starving for real and I just buy food and throw it away. This is ridiculous. How can I feel so bad for eating a cookie when a cookie would be a weeks meal for some people. If I could teleport my cookie to them I would, and then I wouldn't eat for a long time. I want to do these really good pictures for matt for christmas, but I don't want to end up having them bite me in the ass if we ever breakup. I honestly don't know what I would do without matt. He's probably the best thing that ever happened to me other than being born into my family. He's not the same type of person I am, which is good because he balances me out, but its frustrating because he's just taking easy courses right now with no job, but I'm working 20 and taking hard science courses. Its hard for us to relate sometimes with my stupid graveyard work schedule and hard classes, but he does a great job and I don't. I want to be able to show him on a regular basis that I love him without turning into a bitch and not be able to say it. I wish I just looked like Adriana Lima, I lived in California, was a Doctor, and was already married. That's what I want. But I don't need it. I would be ok without it, just for some reason right now I hate that I can't be that way instantly, so I starve and then binge and then do it again. I can't eat regularly or I'll get really fat. I know this for a fact because I've tried. I think for real that I'm bipolar. I can't talk to anyone about it though because they think I'm a hypochondriac and my therapist is so set on me just having ptsd because of the rape. I think the rape has alot to do with my insecurities, its just hard when I've had the same ones since I was like 15. I think this is the closest to wanting to kill myself I've ever been. But I wont because I love God and wouldn't do that to him. He killed himself for me already, it'd be cliche :). Ok so Matt's not coming to pick me up. I feel really rejected right now. I don't know what's gotten into me right now. |
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| screwed up, but now i'm back on track! |
[Nov. 8th, 2006|08:10 pm] |
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So the past two days have been absolute mayhem regarding food! It was awful how much I ate. It was like I was a starving child! (actually we do starve ourselves by choice so that's not funny). Yesterday I took charge though and stopped it by fasting from about lunch till about 830pm (I only ate because I planned a bday party for my boyfriend at a mexican restaurant so I had to eat). I drank tequila last night too, does anyone know how many cals would be in about 4 shots of clear colored tequila? Its 1800 brand. I didn't really have a hangover this morning (which is wierd because I never drink) but I did have really bad acid reflux which is probably because of the starchy foods I ate yesterday morning and the alcohol. I have only had 1 diet cherry coke and water today. I'm meeting my friend at 1 pm for lunch and I already know what I'll have. Its hawaiian food so I'll have the shoyu chicken and steamed vegetables. I'll only eat half and then save the rest for later. This shouldn't be horrible. Then later for dinner I'll have a half cup cottage cheese over salad. I actually lost from yesterday, so that's good, but hopefully today I'll lose even more. I hate binges. I reached my first short term goal sometime last week, and was halfway to my second one (5 lbs increments), but I had this two day crazy binge and I gained back to my first goal. I'll hopefully be to my next goal by next week! This place helps me soooo much! Thank you all for your support! Sorry for the long post! Love. |
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